Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
