i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
