youre lurking in front of me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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