life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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