All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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