Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
