I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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