Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
