i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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