oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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