No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
