handjob tips. give me some.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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