we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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