I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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