and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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