New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
two words...techno handjob
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
