Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
