He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
