Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
