She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
