I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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