my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize