dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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