Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I smell stomach acid.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My vagina is very pro this idea
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
