Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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