Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
