I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
