Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
