Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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