I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
