The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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