Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
