I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I need to calm my uterus...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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