Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
