Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
