so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
