goodnight i made you a song goodbye
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
