shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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