I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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