i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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