I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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