Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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