i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
