I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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