I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
