Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
