upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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