just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
