I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You ate ashes out of my bong
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
