I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They took my balls.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
