Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
