my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
