I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
