Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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