If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
