hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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