It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
